But I had to. Anyone that has tried talking to me over the past week or so probly thinks I gone again...Well, Im not.

My younger brother is staying in my room....Something about something hes alergic to in his...I didnt think this would be such a big deal. Usually, Eli and I get along great. But ever since he 'moved' in here, hes been living on my computer. Like to the point where its 1 in the morning before he gets off. And even to the point that Ive had to threaten him with not being allowed to use it at all just to get him to let me talk to Sam. Yesterday, I was off, and Sam and I needed to talk. After an hour of 'Im in the middle of something here, Candi!' I went downstairs and told his parents.

Big fight between the 3 of them.

End result: Eli has the compuer from 5 to 11 on school days. The weekends are up for grabs, based on my works schedule and his social calendar.

So if you want me, its before 5 or after he goes to bed. :P

Conversation between me and Sam: Long, drawn out, and littered with comments along the lines of "Godddammit baby! That things a ?? Elite to ME. What makes you think you can take it?" Sam subsequently dies...Spend a few minutes cussing the stupid undead out....Ok, yeah, anyway. Where were we? And the big deal of the day was watching the end game quest...He watched it while I was getting the few kills I needed to hit 27, but I spawned out of the Battleground into it a couple hours later.

Talk about ownage.

Anyway, me and Sam. Its really hard to hold a serious conversation over a computer game, but I think we finally managed it. We talked about alot of stuff...The basis of it being the state of our relationship. At that point it was nonexistant. I wont go into everything we said, mainly because A) its long and B) rather personal at random points but...We decided that yeah, we've been fighting alot the past month or so. But it wasnt because we're not 'meant to be'...Its because we havent really been trying. Every time one of us snaps, the other one just gets angry right along with. We havent been really putting in any effort. So effort is number 1 on the need to do list. Another one is coping with everything...*sigh* He admitted that hes still in denial about it all, as well So coping with him deploying is something that we're going to try together.

The thing with Emily....Ive never been one for self-help type books, but Ive been going to Barnes and Noble after work everryday and reading a book by Liz Pryor called 'What Did I Do Wrong?' Its about the way females tend to just end their friendships with any reason...Its about girls in my situation. And its really been helping. Yeah, it hurts to watch her with her new best friends (Yeah, apparently she told my sister that its taking 2 people to take my place...*sarcastic laugh*) but Im moving on. I wrote her a letter explaining my side of it, laying out how I felt and the reasons I guessed she had ended it. I didnt give it to her, but it was really for my own closure anyway. I cant say yet that Im happier without her, but I can say that Im ok with the fact that shes gone--most of the time.

I think there will always be the what-ifs tho...We were too close too long for there not to be.

So I need a new best friend...Any takers? :P

Um....Damn. I got sidetracked. Me and Sam. Hes comming home...*grabs calendar* next weekend! Oh wow...I didnt realise it was that close...Anyway, hes comming home the 6th thru the 9nth...Im so excited...I cant wait to just be held again...We havent reached a decision on the whole do we still want to get married thing yet....Itll probly happen. After looking at the way we've been acting as of late, it all comes down to one thing. We're 2 totally different people...We've both had to grow up immensly....And we've had to do it with hundres of miles seperating us. We dont know each other as well as we used to. It doesnt mean we cant make it, it just means that its going to take more effort than a normal relationship would...*takes a moment to laugh at the irony of the statement*

But we're willing to do it, sos...Its all good.

Anyway, I think Im done rambling...Warsong Gulch calls.

Current Mood: contemplative

"I love you" he whispered in her ear
"This isnt goodbye
Its only a year
Time will fly"

She nodded, trying to be strong
But deep in her heart
She knew he was wrong

He was going overseas
He had a war to fight
Word whispered on the wind
An everlasting hug, so tight

She didnt want to let go
So many emotions in her head
So much, so fast
And her, alone in their bed

"Its time" A booming voice says
She bites her lip, willing stregnth to her eyes
Voices everywhere start to crack
Saying last goodbyes

She stands there shaking
As he walks away
Her whole world quaking
Her heart breaks

"Its only a year
Time will fly
Its only a year
This isnt goodbye..."

Current Mood: blah

I really am sorry guys....( Read more... )

On a brighter note, arent me and Sam adorable? This was taken last time I went to see him, at some museum, Yes, thats a missle.

Current Mood: crappy

1- Go to Google

2- Type in the word "Failure"

3- Instead of clicking "Google Search," click "I'm Feeling Lucky."

4- :)

5- Spread the word before the people at Google "fix" it.









It pulls up an autobiograpgy of Good Old George W. Bush...

Current Mood: amused

I went to MEPS (the Military Entrance Processing Station) today, took the ASVAB.

I made a 99/160.

Sam only made a 99/145.

For those of you that are wondering, thats the Army score. I dont remember my Navy, Air Force and Marine scores off the top of my head.

Yeah, Im thinking about enlisting. He knows, and he has mixed feelings. We've talked circles about it. and I figure its time to get an outside opinion.

This is where you come in. Have fun.

Current Mood: busy

For some reason, Im scared. Sam and I havent had this semblance of a relationship since...Well, with the exception of Xmas Exodus, before he shipped. And he keeps saying hes got some big news....I dont know if I can take any more bad news. He makes it sound like its good tho, so....Only time will tell.

Take care guys.

Current Mood: nervous

Nothing happening in my life right now except work, work and oh yeah WORK. These people dont seem to realise that I have a life...

Stupid Meme-esque thing stolen from MySpace:


Put your music player on shuffle.
Press forward for each question.
Use the song title as the answer to the question.
No cheating!

How am I feeling today?:
Everybody's Fool--Evanescence

Will I get far in life?
Fast Food Song--Fast Food Rockers

How do my friends see me?:
Have You Ever Needed Someone So Bad?--Def Leppard

Where will I get Married?:
Castles In The Sky--Diane Macedo

What is my best friend's theme song?:
Everything Changes--Staind

What is the story of my life?:
Rock Of Ages--Def Leppard

What is/was highschool like?:
The Animal Song--Savage Garden

How can I get ahead in life?:
Whatshername--Green Day

What is the best thing about me?:
So Deep--Silver Tear

How is today going to be?
My First Single--Eminem

What is in store for this weekend?:
Have You Ever Needed Someone So Bad--Def Leppard

What song describes my parents?:
Headstrong--Trapt

My grandparents?:
Let It Be--Newsboys

How is my life going?:
Chop Suey!--SOAD

What song will they play at my funeral?:
Tournequet--Evanescence

How does the world see me?:
Cant Erase It--Jars Of Clay

Will I have a happy life?:
The Hampsterdance Song--Hampton and the Hamsters

What do my friends really think of me?:
Animals--Nickleback

Do people secretly lust after me?:
Woman In Chains--Tears For Fears

How can I make myself happy?:
Dreaming--SOAD

What should I do with my life?:
I Got You--Third Day


Will I ever have children?:
Easier To Run--Linkin Park

What is some good advice for me?:
Total Eclips Of The Heart

What is my signature dancing song?:
La Vie Boheme--Rent

What do I think my current theme song is?:
Holiday--Green Day

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?:
Vidoe Killed The Radio Star--The Buggles

What type of men/women do you like?:
Girls And Boys--Good Charlotte

Current Mood: bitchy

ft hood
Wow, guys...This weekend was so freaking awesome....Its gonna be hard to describe it all.

So Kim and I leave Friday, and I was really nervous. The last time Id seen him was January 2nd. We get on to base, and we cant find his builiding for nothing...Asked like a thousand people, noone had any clue. Finally, I see this concrete...Well, it looked like those barriers they put around trashcans outside restraunts. It was that small. But it had his building number on it. So we turned in there, asked about 20 more people and finally end up outside his door. (45 minutes later) I get scared. Kim knocks. He opens the door.

What do I do?

I step up to him and I start yelling! "Im going to kick you! We spent 45 minutes walking around this damn base looking for something that half the soldiers here dont think exists..." I kept going after that, but right then he reached over and took me in his arms. Pulled me into his chest, bent his head and whispered "Hey little one..."

I melted.

That was a kiss, let me tell you.

So we start to talk. He had a heart attack over my phone (hehe) That particular conversation consisted of alot of looks and 'Candi...'s. He showed us where the bathroom was, and I stepped in with Kim in time to hear some female yell his name. I stick my head back out and hes in her room! Momentary panic.

Get back to the room, and Kim gets a phonecall and disappears somewhere. This is when I started to try to get him to talk to me. He didnt want to look me in the eyes for awhile, but I made him. I just kept telling him that I love him and that Id forgiven him. he didnt want to talk about it, so I just pounded it into his head that I was here to make things work. We made small talk for awhile, occasionally throwing in important things like where I worked.

I think theyve brainwashed him! He was completely shocked that there are people out there that work on the weekend! *shakes head*

So we get food, and I manage to get sick and throw everything up...Go me right? Stupid medication...

Get to the hotel, and this is where the talking really started. Ill summarize it all for you, as the conversation actually lasted almost 6 hours. When I asked him what he wanted, he said that he wants us to stay together...But he didnt think wed work.

I stopped breathing.

I heard him out. His reasoning was mainly based on 'all the fighting' wed been doing. The distance was part of it too, but not a big one. I was quiet for a minute, and he got scared. "You dont agree with me do you?" "No, Baby, I dont. Im trying to word my thoughts."

After a few minutes, I responded. I told him that I didnt think that wed been fighting much, and that I thought he was thinkiing more of the way hed been acting. I told him that I thought he was taking what had happened way out of proportion, and that if I was the one wronged and I didnt react that way, why should he? I had to expound on this for awhile before it sunk in.

He says he didnt have sex with the girl, but he wouldnt say what it was they actually did. I think I have it figured out, due to the way he acted later when we got physical (which was awesome, might I add. )

The last word on that topic that night was 'Im not breaking up with you, but Im saying it could end.'

Talked about him being deployed. I know now when he leaves and have a rough idea of where he'll be.

Most of the night was spent on the 'I dont think we'll make it' thing. We finally went to be and he was so acting the opposite of it. He wouldnt let go of me, and he sang me to sleep..Was romantic, called me baby...I was scared. And very confused. I think that was the first time Id cried in a long ass time.

Fitfull sleep. Didnt last too long. For future reference, Sam is im-fucking-possible to get out of bed. Kim and I went to have breakfast at Whataburger, brought him home food.

He still eats like the foods only gonna be there 5 seconds. *shakes head*

Went to the mall....I like our mall better, honestly. Walked around, talking. This time, it was more light hearted, just kind of catching up type thing. We comapred new bands that we were into, looked at some new shirts that I wanted, stuff like that.

He told me that he thinks Ive grown up alot. We were walking past this store, kinda girlie store, and when I used to walk past those stores Id get upset and feel bad about not being that small. Saturday, I grabbed his hand and dragged him in there cause I wanted to see if they had anything I liked. He was floored. He mentioned other things that hed noticed, like how specific things didnt bring back bad memories anymore.

I didnt set out with a concious effort to fix these problems, I think that having to step up the way I have is alot of it. As to the clothes thing...Well, Im finally getting to the point where I accept that he thinks Im beautiful, and thats what matters. Losing some weight helped, but thats only part of it.

So anyway, the mall was awesome. I scared the hell out of him by leaving him in Hot Topic and going somewhere else. *laughs*

We went to Fridays with Jess and Channing, sat there and sang Rent songs and ate. Very fun. That chocolate cake was to die for.

Slept the entire car ride home....Yeah. He came home with me since I had to work Sunday morning...I cant get enough of being held. And his kiss....Its addicting. I spent the entire weekend asking for kisses!

Work sucked, but I got sweet text messages all day, so that made it better. Got tackled when I got home. We went to lunch with Emily, and then to the movies with his parents.

Everyone reading this is now ordered to go see V is for Vendetta. OMG! Awesome movie...And Sam and I had a little arguement type thing in the middle of it, wherein he just showed me all over again how much he loved me. His entire family is really, and I mean REALLY into movies. So hes talking to Glenda and theyre trying to figure out who Vendetta is, and Im just like Wow. Im a dumbass. I havent gotten that far yet. I got upset and kind of pulled away, but he wouldnt have anything of it. He pulled me back into his arms and asked me what was wrong. I just whispered that I wasnt anywhere near figuyring out who was who, and that I felt stupid. I felt like Id never fit in with his family, and he told me that he didnt expect me to. Either way, I was his and he loved me.

There have been several episodes where Ive come off with that impression. Christmas Eve, we went to The Cheesecake Factory, and him and his parents were discussing what type of art ws on the walls. They decided it was Ancient Egyptian. I was like What? Where the hell did they learn that? Thats not me, and it never will be. Im just not that smart. So, yeah. I felt bad. And he told me off for it.

Spent alot of the car ride home talking as well. Talked alot about World of WarCraft. He yelled at me for not playing my Hunter thru, despite 'stupid shit.' So I might not give up on it. I honestly havent been playing much as of late, and I wish now that I had. The stress might not have been so hard on me if Id used it as a stress killer like I used to.

I asked him to stop drinking. He said 'for now.' He needs to think about it.

He doesnt stop, Im going to kick him.

Talked about when we wanted to get married. No sure date yet. Definatly before September 7nth. I told him that I wanted to get pregnant before he deployed, and he laughed. Said it was cute.

Alot of the things communicated were unspoken. Every time he would kiss me, sparks would fly. Almost like our first kiss. When he held me, I could feel that he still needed me, just by the way he held me close and refused to let go. His choice of words isnt always the best, but his eyes never lie.

Before he got into the cab to go back to bsae (long story that involves the latest and ML permanent death of our car) I asked him if the weekend had changed his mind, if it had done any good. He thought for a moment and then pulled me closer. "It did. You showed me what it feels like to be in love again."

It took me awhile to understand what he meant, but I realise now that its true. Both of us, we needed a refresher course in what it felt like to be in love.

So, I said all that to say this. The world is awesome. Im in love, and its going to stay that way for the rest of my life. We cant let go. We dont want to.

"All Ive ever wanted...All Ive ever needed, Is here in my arms. Words are very unecessary, they can only do harm."

Current Mood: happy

This might be the last chance I get to write, so Im gonna let ya'll know whats going on.

Yes, I know I havent been talking to anyone. I wasnt coping with the last kick in the pants well. Especially after his parents broke into my room, into his email, read the last one he sent me and then called the Red Cross telling them hes suicidal.

Needless to say, the microscopic trust I had for them is gone.

But Im going up to Hood today, and Im just going to lay it all on the line. Im not going to lose Sam. Im leaving this evening, call me if you want to talk.

Got inked; got the Japanese characters for 'Angel' in blue outline on my back. Got some new clothes, too. And contacts. And I hate the contacts.

Anyway, work calls. Talk to you guys later.

Current Mood: blah